I have no choice….

When I first started my journey three years ago I was reading a book by Dr. Phil about weight loss and it said in it something that really helped put things into perspective for me and set me on my journey.  “Either you do it or you don’t do it….either you sit and eat your chips and sit on your couch or you get up and do something about it.”  Something so simple, so direct made so much sense.

2018 is here and in full swing.  17 days in and I had something happen that put things really into perspective and shinned that light that I used to have, that awareness that I need to keep in mind of how I must succeed.  How I will succeed?

A coworker’s relative passed away this week from co-morbidities issues related to her weight.  She was around 450 pounds.  She was in her early 50’s.  She had been wanting to have bariatric surgery but she didn’t make it.  She had told a family member that she thought “she had waited too long” a few weeks ago.  I didn’t know this woman but I am heartbroken that someone lost the good fight against this terrible disease of overeating and obesity.

I am scared.  I have let myself go and thought so many times that I couldn’t do it.  What I did before I did when I wasn’t working a full time job.  I have lost my faith in God because I am tired of this being so hard!

I was looking back at the posts I had from my first months on this journey and how motivated I was.  I remember it wasn’t always easy but I hadn’t given up and was fighting.  I am back over 300 pounds, which I swore would never happen again, and the worst part of it is, I just didn’t care.  I thought, well if it doesn’t get any higher……now I’m 312.

I can feel my days are numbered and I am losing this fight.  I know that if I do not do something to ensure my future that I will be on that same track I fought so hard to get off of.  I don’t want to die…I want to live and live a long and healthy life.  I don’t want to be at the mercy of what I stuff in my face.  I want to be free!


Jesus Jesus Jesus….

All I can say is Jesus…..

Cause at this point in time…..I need me some Jesus!

Life is just life ……and I am sick and tired of it giving me some hard cards but ya gotta play them….I could say lemons but I am sick and tired of lemonade!  Besides, the sugar is makin my butt bigger!

Yes, I am still having surgery, yes my butt is still the size of……..mmmhuh, yes, i’m still depressed and I am still battling my weightloss.  I am back in the gym today after a 6 week break.  Life has sucked and not to get on to much of a rant but…..

I lost both of my kitties, who are basically my furry children, within two weeks of each other starting July 1st.  Talk about depressed!  Can I get another banana cream pie?  Can I get another burrito with some extra sour cream?  I feel like double dog doo doo but I am trying to fight back!

I have 10 weeks before my surgery and I really need to get my belly down as much as possible so I went to the gym today and asked for a bit of a consultation for nutrition from the owner (she has a degree in it) and next week were gonna talk turkey…..or actually whole foods!  I think having someone who keeps me on track will really help.

So, i’m back…..again…..and away we go!



Good gravy….on some mashed potatoes…

has it been over four months since I have written in my blog?  Sighs!  No wonder I got back up to 300lbs!  *hears the crowd sigh*  I know I know!

These past few months have been difficult.  I won’t lie.  I lost my……umph!  This new job has been kick’in my butt and Curves was a disappointment, if truth be told.  I joined, expecting it to be like the old Curves gym.  Lots of people, lots of encouragement.  Nope!  When I would go most of the time there was hardly anyone there and the staff would be stuck at the desk in front of their computer.  Goodness gravy (yeah, i am hungry) I need some social interaction!  At the old Curves there was lots of interaction, lots of yack-in and it would make the time go by quickly.  Oh, and if I missed one day they would be calling me saying “Hello….where are you?”  With this new Curves my phone didn’t ring!  I quickly lost my focus and stopped going.

The big thing lately has been that I found out I am going to have to have pretty major surgery coming up soon.  I had my first “yearly” pap in December since I got insurance through my work and she recommended I have a sonogram.  I have always had heavy cycles and since I am 40, not planning to have kids and pretty much tired of the pain and nonsense that goes along with it I wanted to see what my options were to reduce or end the “nonsense”.

I found out that I have fibroid tumors that have caused my uterus to grow more than double it’s size.  Basically it’s like I am 4 months pregnant.  A couple of the girls at work helped me name my “thing” that needs to be removed “Boris” because nothing that ugly could ever be a girl.  This requires pretty major surgery that’s like a cesarean section and will require me to be out of work for up to 6 weeks.  The good thing is that my OBGYN did a biopsy and found out that I am clear of cancer.  This is a REALLY good thing because my mother had uterine cancer and I was terrified that I might have it.

After finding out this you would think I would be motivated to workout harder and lose lots of weight but no.  I was paralyzed by this news.  Though I don’t want to have children in the future I do want have the OPTION!  I have had a long battle with myself and accepting that I am not perfect.  My body doesn’t function in a perfect manor without medication bothers me.  I have to take medication for thyroid, depression and iron deficiency.  This is just another on the list of things that add to it.  The only good thing about this is that it ISN’T caused by my weight.  Hallelujah!  Fibroid Tumors are genetic.  My mother had them, my grandmother too.

What’s up for the future?  Well because I have only been at my job 7 months I can’t take off that much time unless this is an emergency, and it’s not.  I am waiting to see how long I can put off the surgery.  I am going to have another sonogram in May to see if my uterus has grown.  If it has, they will require me to schedule surgery.  At that point they will give me an injection that will put me into menopause for three months to hopefully reduce the size of my uterus and maybe laparoscopically remove my uterus instead of having a large incision.  This of course will reduce my recovery time dramatically.

If I can have it my way, I would like to have surgery early next year.  Would give me time to save up for the cost, give me some time to accrue time off and we are going to have to move soon, and we need time for that too.

As of today though…….things have changed.  I am back at my old gym that I joined after Curves, I am out of excuses, working out hard and I have lost 14 pounds.  I have been listening to more word from the Lord daily to keep me focused and motivated and I feel like my old self.  I have just 11 pounds more to lose before I am back where I was before I started to gain weight again.  Amazing!  After that, ill have 20 pounds to go before 100 pounds lost total.  Would be nice to have that gone by summer!

More posts to come!









Resolution #2!

It’s crazy how a year passes and how fast.  This time last year I was praying hard about what to do about my weight.  I had decided that 2015 was my year and oh how it was!  I lost 82 pounds, got a job, lost my best friend to suicide and gained back 15 pounds and now I am back at the beginning of a new year and starting over again.  *jumps on the reset button and jumps up and down realllllllly hard!*

Wait a minute!  Do I really wanna reset?  NOOOOOOO!  That would mean I am 355 pounds again and …….Errrrrrr(brakes!)!!

Ok,  what I really want to do is reset my mind.  Come back where I have a new spirit, new will power, new motivation and new direction for my future.  Yeah, let’s reset THAT button.

I went the day before yesterday and joined Curves again.  No, the one that closed didn’t reopen.  There is one that is less than 2 miles from my work.  I went back last night for my first workout and I remembered how much I missed it there.  It just isn’t like any other gym.  The other ladies, the support and the workout itself is great!  Why did i wait this long is what I was thinking!

I wake up this morning and even though this place is 11 miles from my house and I am not working today I am going to go!  NOW, I remember why I lost 45 pounds in 4 months at Curves, because I just loved going!  This is what I need!

So I say New Year’s Resolution #2 has begun.  This year I am ahead mentally, physically and down 67 pounds from last year (including my 15 pound gain), I now have a full time job making good money and even saving some along the way.

New Goal:  Let’s just work on getting this extra 15 pounds off and do it by the end of the month maybe?  I lost 25 pounds in my first month at Curves last year.  Hopefully I will blow my goal out of the water!

The Incrediable Shrinking Woman has returned and just watch my smoke!


Making a deal with myself

Lawdy me!  These past few weeks have been really hard.  With the loss of my best friend and this new job I have had a serious kick in the pants with my weight loss.  I have gained 10 pounds!  I just eat whatever I want and I have just said forget it to everything.  I got a new membership with a gym that is on the way home.  Very easily accessible, it’s open 24/7 and so there is no more excuses.

In writing this blog post I am making a deal with myself.  I am getting back on the wagon, getting back in the fight, getting back with it, and whatever cute little analogy I can come up with to say that I need to get my crap together and get back to where I was before.  Working out, and losing weight!  Making progress.

It scares me a lot to think that slipping off of my routine and eating patterns has caused such a change.  Within a matter of months all my hard work could be evaporated just as quickly as if I never even started 10 months ago.  I know that the power of my future is in my hands and in the decisions I make going forward.

10 months ago I started reading a weight loss book and in it was a very CLEAR message that struck me hard and probably why I hit the road so hard in the beginning.  I had a choice that I can either do this or I don’t.  I can keep stuffing my face with chips and sit on my couch or I can get up, go to the gym and watch what I eat.  it’s a choice.

It’s a really difficult choice.  I still feel depressed and I am having a hard time but I am going to make a deal with myself that no matter what I do that I get into the gym 5 times a week and do 15 minutes of cardio at the very least, for now.  Even if my eating stinks in the mean time, at least the working out will help the depression and keep the extra pounds at bay until I can get back totally on track.

Missing my friend…..

I guess weight loss isn’t just about diet and exercise.  it’s about life and what cards are delt to us along the way.

I started this new job and then three weeks in I found out my best friend had killed him self and quite honestly I dont feel like working out anymore.  I am struggling.  I miss my friend a lot.  I miss the support he gave me in my times of struggle and need and I am coming to terms with why he took his own life.  I think most of all the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in that he really is dead and I will never talk to him again.  Most of all,  I will never meet him in person like I wished to so much.

Because of all of this my weightloss has stopped and I have only been to the gym twice in two weeks.   My eating is kinda good some days to say the least and crappy most days.  I am struggling and I feel like I don’t know if i am going to be able to get back on on regular routine of working out at least 3-4 times a week.  I feel my passion for my weight loss slipping.  I am sure this is due to the depression from the loss of my friend and I hope that this passes.

I went to a therapy session last week and my therapist told me to give myself a week to fluff off from the gym and my “diet” to grieve for my friend.  Truth is that I feel like it’s gonna take a bit longer than that just to adjust to all of this.  In the current moment I have lost the passion to want to lose more weight and move on with my journey.  I am sure it will come back but for now I just miss my friend and the gym isn’t high on my priority list.

Life is hard but it’s always worth living!

This is a hard post and I will warn you it isn’t a fun one to read either.  It won’t be full of jokes or funny pictures either.  It’s about real life and real, heavy, hard to face realities.

A journey sometimes begins with you alone but along the way you have support from friends and family and like me, my gracious and merceful God.  One of my very best friends is a good friend named David.  I met him in December of 2011 and we just hit it off from the very start.  If it isn’t singing together, playing games for hours, chatting about silly stuff and developing a genuine love and affection for each other.  A true friend I found in him and I knew no matter what I had going on I could always pick up the phone and call him and he was a ear that was there without judgement and would give an opinion of I wanted it or just listen.

For the past four years we have talked almost every day.  Sometimes for several hours.  Lately we both have been a bit busy and it’s slowed down a bit but since the end of August he basically dropped of the face of the planet and I have been a bit worried since I haven’t seen him log onto Skype or reply to my What’sAp messages.  Since starting my new job I figured he’s  busy with his new job or something might have happened and he will get back with me when he could.

Tonight I put my detective skills to work and found out that my dear friend took his own life.

Yes, I left that in a paragraph of it’s own.  Did I mention that this great friend of mine I have never even met in rl?  Now I know what you’re thinking.  How could he be such a great friend and you’ve never even met him in rl?  Or maybe you’re not thinking that and understand.  All I know is that I spent four years spending time with my dear friend and he helped me so very much through some hard times.  He helped motivate me to lose weight, keep going and even read this very blog everytime I posted an entry.

Truth is that David lived in Mexico and was trying to get his Visa to return to the states.  He was originally from Mexico.  He grew up there until his teens and then moved to Texas.  In his early 20’s he moved back to Mexico and after a few years he decided to return to Texas but discovered he needed a Visa to do so and has had trouble getting one.  This combined with a lot of other things I think contributed to him taking his life.  I knew he was struggling with depression but I had no idea he would do this.  Anyone who’s read my posts knows I am from Texas too and another reason David and I connected like we did is that we are from the same town.  When he returned, I would have been able to meet him in rl.  Now that this has happened it makes it even more difficult for me because that meeting will never happen.

I have never known someone who was close to me who took their own life.  Though I myself have had many thoughts of suicide I have always tried to think of others and the pain they would feel if I were to die.  Kinda like the pain I am feeling now that my friend is now longer here.  David was the most selfless person I have ever met.  I know that most people when love ones die they hold the person on a high platform and praise them but I really thought wonderful things about David.  He could be very giving and kind and was very encouraging and helped me a lot with my depression and anxiety and through my years of isolation.  What’s REALLY ironic is that the one and only argument we ever had in four years was when he was thinking of suicide and talking to me about it.  This was about a year ago.  I encouraged him to please not think about a permanent solution to a temporary problem and to think of how other’s would be hurt by what he would do.  He got angry with me.  I think because he thought I didn’t understand how he felt.  I just wanted him to see the bigger picture and to know that other people are just as important as he is and that when his temporary suffering ends with his death, that a very long term suffering will begin for his love ones.  A long term suffering that might last for a life time for his parents or siblings.

I know that it isn’t easy when you’re in the middle of being so sad and feeling the walls closing in on you to see the light.  I have been in that dark place.  It sucks, it hurts and it’s so very painful.  I just wish that anyone that feels that there is no way out and that death is the only way that they would know that there is hope.  That death isn’t the answer.

To my dear friend David: I loof you and fank you for all that you were and did for me.  I cherished our friendship and I will miss you so very much!